Dear Mr. Bright Red Wall

Dear Mr. Bright Red Wall, 

Well...here we are again. Round 4. Last time for our little rendezvous. A little sad, is it not? Man do I have a lot to tell you. In case you're feeling nostalgic, take a peek back at our other conversations:

Here. here. aaaand here. 

I have learned an invaluable amount of life lessons throughout this process. I have been shaped, stretched, fortified, tested, tried, and built into a new and improved version of myself.  I know it's a little early to be writing to you again...but I have a lot of my mind tonight, and time is quickly winding down so I figured I better take advantage of the opportunity I had tonight. 

Let's get started.

So listen, I got to talk to Ryan on Mother's Day which you know because you were there watching me giggle and smile and act all cute and crap on the phone. Of course it was so good to hear his cute laugh and random stories. He is so much fun and I could talk to him all day everyday. But sometimes when I was talking, and especially when I hung up the phone, I felt weird. So weird in fact that I wanted to cry. And the past two weeks I've felt weird about things...which is strange because nothing Ryan has said or done would make me feel this way. Infact, he's been even more on board and sure of things than ever. So why am I the hesitant one? Why don't I feel those butterflies? One reason is because I'm a girl and girls sometimes make up crazy stories in our heads to make our lives more complicated and dramatic. Don't ask me why we do it, but we do. Another reason is because I've got a little over 6 weeks left of all of this. 6 1/2 weeks. And 4 of those will be spent in a foreign country. Reality is sinking in that he is actually coming home...I am actually going to have to face him...I think my expectations this whole time have been that he's going to come home and things will be the exact same and that I will feel as madly in love with him as I did when he left. And incase you forgot..I was madly in love. What I think I've been struggling with is the realization that it took us a year to get to where we were when he left on his mission. A year of constant "togetherness" and working at our relationship day in and day out. I wasn't madly in love with him when we first started dating. I mean at first I knew there was something different about him and that things felt unusually right, but after our first kiss I thought to myself, "Eh, that's cool." No BAM FIREWORKS. NO CHOIRS SINGING OR BELLS RINGING. It took me a while to get "giddy." My walls didn't immediately come down but with patience and work (especially on Ryan's part), they did...and love came in and took their place.

Well, it's been 2 years of once a week "hello's and love ya's." I'm sorry, but saying we're "madly in love" isn't really realistic with the limited communication that missions inevitably bring. I've had to protect myself a little bit-my walls have slowly built themselves back up. It's not like I've done it on purpose. But Mr. Wall, it's been TWO YEARS. Those things happen...they just do. Don't get me wrong though, I still love Ryan. I look at a picture and I see that smile and I just want to die...he makes me laugh, he keeps things interesting, he's smart, his testimony is GIGANTIC now, he's the funniest person I know, and he's also the cutest. I love him, and while the love I feel now is different than the love I felt when he left, that doesn't mean anything bad. Infact, I like to think it means that we've done this mission thing the right way..that we've each been able to let go of the "madly in love" stage which requires two people to be pretty dang focused on nothing else but eachother, in order to be focused on sacrificing and serving the Lord. 

I can't tell you enough how good to feels to understand my feelings, Mr. Wall. I was scared that they were a sign that things weren't going to be okay. But now I'm thinking it's the opposite...that because we've done things the right way, and have made it this far not on contact or those "madly in love" feelings, but on faith in eachother, in the guidance we've each received from Heavenly Father, and in the true feelings we had when he left. While those feelings may not have been able to be fostered while he's been gone, we've had the faith enough to carry it through to the end. And now I have faith that if those giddy "madly in love" butterflies were there once, that they can find themselves back once again. The walls will come down. I know they will. I don't think it will take a year like it did before, but it may take a little time. And I'm okay with that. I'm so grateful this reality has come to me before he comes home. I feel so much more at peace about things. I can honestly say now that I'm excited, I'm hopeful, and I'm ready to face the future, my future, our future, with faith. 

It's finally our turn.  

Thanks for listening Mr. Wall. 

Life is about to get beautiful. 

Love, Whitney

"At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important to have that happily ever after, but more that its happy right now."