Mr. Wall Take Two

Dear Mr. Bright Red Wall across from my bed,

Here we go again. Remember this? It's been about 6 months since I wrote you last. Another 6 months have come and gone. Can you believe it? I know, I'm thinking the same thing...only 6 months?

Ha, no it has gone by fast, really it has.........

It has been an interesting 6 months, not a lot has changed. You've caught me once again, laying towards you in my boxer shorts and polka dotted socks with my hair in a fat mess on top of my head.

See? Not much has changed at all.

I'm still the same crazy Whitney.

But in someways, I'd like to think I'm improved....or maybe a better term is, in the middle of improvement.

I don't really know where to start with all of my thoughts because they're all swirling around in my head and have been for a while so I'm just gunna go for it. You ready?

Do you remember Ryan? That tall dark kid with the huge smile and contagious laugh? He's been gone for a while, I know. Almost a whole stinkin year.

Do you remember that night after Ryan and I's very first date? I was up all night staring at YOU, Mr. Bright Red Wall. And the next night, and the next night. 3 whole days without more than 6 hours of sleep and even less to eat. You and I both knew this boy was different from the get go. He changed my life.

My life has been very different since he's been gone as well. I could say that I've lived it up and had such a blast living the college life...but that would be a lie.

Honestly, honestly...I have had some great moments. I have had amazing support from all sides and I am progressing in my life.

But something has definitely been missing. And somedays it feels like I just finished a gosh dang marathon because I'm so exhausted from the struggle.

I guess from the beginning, I expected too much. I wasn't prepared, I didn't know what it was going to feel like, I didn't know how I was going to handle things. I wasn't...ready. But ready or not it came and I'm still trying to catch my breath from the realization that it is now.

Maybe because I expected too much, that I spent the first year trying too hard. I would stress over every little thing. When someone would say, "so if things work out, or if you guys end up getting married...." I would freak. There's no IFS people!!! Its GOING to happen....is what I would say.

Keeping up that expectation was exhausting, frustrating, and damaging.

So lately, I've taken a step out of my head. I have reevaluated my motives and my true desires. But most importantly, I've gotten back in tune with my Heavenly Father.

All I can do, all I have the power to do, is to simply. have. hope.

I can't make things happen. I can wish and I can work and I can worry, but there will be more weeks where he doesn't have time to get a letter out and I can carry on being mad and annoyed and feeling neglected. ...................but really, is that the kind of person I want Ryan to come home to?

I don't want to stand by Ryan because I expect myself to.

I want to do it because I love him. Because he is the most tender hearted, funny, humble, loving, and dedicated person I have ever met and when I look at him I see my heart beating outside of my chest.

I can't tell you for sure if I'm going to marry him. I wish I could, but I can't.

What I can tell you is that love is a powerful thing and I have hope that it will carry us through.

Mr. Bright Red Wall across from my bed, I'm a little embarrased it's taken me a year to come to these conclusions. Well, ok, it's nothing new. It's a continual struggle and a lot of the time I sit there with my head telling me one thing and heart telling me another.

But I do have HOPE and I'm trying to be BRAVE but most importantly, it's all about the TRUST.

Thanks for listening to me babble and boob and be a big old girl. It's therapeutic for me, really.

Time for some zzz's....catch ya in another 6 months Mr. Wall.

Loves!

-W-