A couple of days ago I came running down the stairs yelling "mom!" and when I found her I burst into tears instantly and cried on her shoulder for a while.
I said, "Mom, this is just too hard."
And she replied, "Well it's a good thing you were made for hard things."
***
Last night was another night of waterworks.
I ran down the stairs at 1:00 am because I knew I just couldn't be alone.
I drug my poor mom out of bed and she stayed up with me until two o clock.
Goofy mom, was "under the influence" of a sleeping pill so she said weird stuff that didn't make sense but it made me laugh.
Moms are awesome.
***
It's been an poop week. Up and down emotionally all the time everyday and I'm tired.
You know what's really hard for me though, is when I start comparing my situation with others.
I'm super good at twisting and turning my own situation to look as bad as I want. It's usually when something is going wrong for me that it's going oh so right for everyone else. And I've never felt that so much as I have in this past year. It makes me want to put my brain on fire!
***
It's difficult to escape that cycle.
For me, it's been a huge thing to get over and to let go of.
I want some things to be different and I see other people getting things the way I want them.
And it literally makes me sick.
But I guess it's all part of being a champ.
You have to let go of what you think is reality and let God show you how it really is.
Then I think you'll see that:
maybe you don't have it as bad as you think.
Or maybe you do have it bad
and it doesn't make sense right now.
But trust with all you got that one day, it will.
2 comments:
Thank you W. Seriously. We are in the same boat... maybe on oppisite sides, but we're still paddling to stay afloat on the river of challenges, and doing it together. Thank you for your honestly and Love. This time of our lives is SUCH A WHIRLWIND. I never know when satan is going to get at me. It comes at the craziest times... and more often than not. PLEASE know that you are so lucky and blessed to be where you are right now. I love you and pray for you always.
-K
Oh and also... I wanted to say that I believe in what you (and ryan) said about gods timing so much. Heck, it brought us together (and our other roomies). With out you I wouldn't be as strong. Your mama was right, you are strong, tough, and 'hard'. Especially now you've lost 10 lbs!!! SHOOT girl. I'm green with jealousy. he he he
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