It's about to get sappy...POD

Dear Ryan,

I haven’t written you a letter in a looooong time
[that’s a lie..I wrote you yesterday…but I’m talking a blog letter].

In 2 ½ months I’ll be able to say all of this to your face….whoa. I just barfed. 

It’s fun to go back and read through old blog posts and then to read through some of the old letters you sent back to me. It’s funny to see how much my life revolved around YOU and there were times where I was sure I was never going to be happy again. I am so glad these 21 ½ months have proved me wrong.

 Happiness exists outside of you…along with a lot of others things.

With that being said, I still didn’t know it was possible to think about someone so much. When you first left, my thoughts were monopolized with memories and experiences we had together. Now, it gets harder and harder to remember things…I try, but it was 2 years ago..yanno?

Now I find myself thinking of you in other ways..like, the first time I’ll see you in person. What’s it going to be like? Am I going to puke all over you? What are my first words going to be? Probably something stupid like.. “hiiiii”. 

Haha.

I think about you when I’m running on the treadmill listening to a happy song…I picture us driving on a Missouri country road with the windows down and you holding my hand like you always would do in the car.

I think about you sometimes when I start laughing really hard. I want you to see that I'm happy here.

I think about you when I’m walking to school. I wonder if you’ll be impressed with how grown up I’ve become? I feel grown up anyways. I don’t stress about things I used to stress about. I’m better at getting dressed and taking care of myself. I’m more confident when talking to people, and crap…I’m almost a legit nurse. You’ve never known me as a nurse. I wonder if you’ll think it’s cool.

Sometimes I think about you when I’m at church. Sitting by you in church was one of my favorite things. I loved laying my head on your shoulder when the sacrament talks got boring and listening to you sing the hymns off key. You’re not a good singer…but I love your voice. I wonder what church is like in spanish. I wonder what it's like to hear you bear your testimony. I bet it's a lot different. 

I think about you when I’m cooking dinner for my roommates. A lot of times when I was in the kitchen making something, you would come behind me and wrap your big monkey arms around me and give me a kiss on the head. I wonder if you’ll like the things I’m cooking nowadays. I wonder if you'll still do that...

I think about the day AFTER you come home. And the week after. And the month after. Are you going to love me like you used to? Are you going to do all those sweet things? Will I notice a change in you and will we be able to accept the growth in eachother? Most of me has so much confidence and excitement building up. But a little sliver of me has a lot of anxiety and fear. Are my expectations too high? Are you going to appreciate me? Am I going to appreciate you?

I never knew it was possible to think about someone so much... there are times where I wish I didn’t. And granted, I’ve got a lot of other things that have come into my life that have made me happy while you’ve been gone. But I just can't seem to get you off my mind. And right now, I'm okay with that. 

Loves, W