The Old Me

I came across this old picture of me the other day.

 I was a junior in high school in that picture, and now here I am, four years later as a junior in college. 

This week has been a very tough week, I have definitely felt tested in almost every aspect of my life. 

As I looked at this picture of me, part of me cried out to remember that girl and bring her back to life. 

I was so goofy, I didn't care what people thought. Now...I care. 

I had so much faith in my Heavenly Father. I was so optimistic about my future and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was going to be the happiest girl in the world. Now...I doubt and question. 

I had so much self-control and was so self-disciplined when it came to every aspect in my life. I worked so hard to be the best person I could be. Now....I feel lazy. 

I had this self-confidence of wonder woman. I was so confident in my abilities, in my looks, in my skills. I never worried too much when things didn't go my way because I had this endless confidence in myself and in my capacity to achieve. Now....not so much. 

I think what I miss the most is my ability to dream. I had  huge dreams & goals. The only fights I got in with my parents were the ones where they were trying to bring me back down to earth. I had my head in the clouds half the time and  I had such an excitement for life. I felt like my possibilities were endless and that as long as I lived closed to the gospel, that I would end up happy. I was so in touch with who I was and what I really wanted out of my life. 

Of course, I still worried and wondered...but instilled deep inside of me was a stirring of hope and promise. 

But now...I feel clouded by the messages of the world. I feel clouded by what others think is best, and what really is best for me. I can't differentiate between my head and my heart most days and lately I've been given an extra helping of frustration and confusion. I just feel like it's been an endless circle of this and that lately. If 17 year old me were here in my shoes right now, she'd say "SHUTUP!! Your life is awesome and good things are just around the corner!" But almost 21 year old version of me feels so very sluggish and alone. I'm trying to get back in touch with who I was-to keep dreaming and hoping like I used to. I may not have accomplished all the dreams I had in high school, but my dreams are what kept me motivated and I still ended up happy. 

The challenge I'm facing is to not let the struggles keep me from dreaming, hoping, and being in tune.
Life is known to do that, I guess.