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OHHHHHH MMYYYY GOOOSSSSSHHH!!!!!

What a freaking retard I have been the past year. I have really been struggling the past few weeks with trying to change the situation I am in with Ryan to please other people.. I am always trying to please others. I don't do things because I'm afraid others will look down on me. I want sooooo bad to be accepted by others that I don't allow myself to feel and do certain things that I think others would think were "weird", "dumb", "lame", or "risky." So, with this whole "waiting for a missionary" game, I've been trying to change and manipulate my situation so that it's not so, what's the word...raw? I guess to make it more acceptable to the ears of my fellow students at BYU who generally look down on girls like me. I'm afraid that people will think that I'm flighty and foolish to make such a serious commitment to someone I can't see for 2 years.

I have been having a CRAAP week-trying to feel and be something that I'm not. All these thoughts of "He wont love you when you get back." "You are going to end up getting hurt." "You are going to pass up so many opportunities" have been SWARMING in my head because I have lost the confidence in my love for Ryan. Thank goodness for Fi Fi and Big Butt who were straight up with me and talked me out of those totally untrue thoughts. They've known him for 20 years, and they know the kind of person that he is. So do I!!! So why do I let these thoughts come into my head? To fill my head with doubt and confusion and MISERY?! It all stems back to the fact that I'm trying to please other people, and not live my situation the way I WANT TO! I have been so miserable because I have been accepting of other people, BUT NOT ACCEPTING OF MYSELF.

This is a problem I've been struggling with for a long time now. It's why I have such a hard time with changes. Because I'm so worried about doing things to please others, that I can't deal with my own heart and the way that I feel. BUT I AM STARTING TODAY. From now on, I am only going to do what I WANT TO DO. If that means staying in on a Friday night, then SO THE FREAK be it. If I want to go to bed at 9, that's ok. If I don't feel like wearing makeup that day, who cares? THIS IS MY LIFE. MY STORY. and I will LOVE IT, embrace it, and be CONFIDENT in it!!!! The people that are truly my friends, will not care what time I go to bed, or what I do on the weekends, or if I'm waiting for the love of my life or not. I've had these disgusting thoughts of, "Well if you're really your true self, noone will like you. You'll be too boring." That a bunch of crap, sista. I am spicy! I love life! I am full of energy and laughter, but when I'm tired, or feeling homebody-ish, then I am and that's that.

I look too much at others and compare my life to theirs. I see all these beautiful blonde BYU students who seem to stay up late partying, and still have time to wake up in the morning, get ready, and look super hot. That's also a bunch of crap.

WHAT A FEELING THIS IS. WHAT A LIBERATING, EXCITING, PEACEFUL FEELING!!!!!!!!!

So, here's to the start of a new WAY OF LIFE. I don't care what YOU say. I don't care what YOU think. I have been prayerful, Heavenly Father has guided me every step of the way. I am sooooooooooo in love with Ryan, whether he's up the street, or in a completely different state, and because I am in love, I am committed to making this work. I know that he is IT...

and if you have a problem with that, then...well...you're talkin to the wrong person, cuz I don't care. Oh, and did I mention that I don't care? Yeah, I really don't care. I couldn't say that enough. I DONT CARE. Ahh, that feels good.

I am so in love. I have the best boyfriend and best friend in the absolute world, who I am going to marry someday and I really could care less what you and your mom think. This is what I have prayed about, this is what I'm doing. I'm open to listen if Heavenly Father is going to guide me along a different path. But this is for real. I have been guided.

We are doing it.

Goodnight, BYU. I'm done with your cliches and douchebag-ery. BRING IT!!!!!